Well, life at the moment. “What life?” Asked no one, well I shall tell this to nobody. I’m 18 and I just finished high school. Those two should probably not be in the same sentence because 18 is the age synonymous with recklessness and drugs and parties and getting pissed drunk and being overall devoid of all responsibilities and in some (most) cases, maturity, since “college will be the best time of your life”. On the other hand, ‘the end of high school’ means college applications, jobs, meaningless/life-altering time waiting in between high school and entering college. As an Asian (do not stereotype me), getting into college/getting a secure job/stable income is probably one of the biggest fixations in the Asian life (as imposed from previous generations can’t speak for my generation because I spend half my waking moments on the internet and the other half trying to avoid social interactions). At least I know it is for my family – which sucks because I’m the quirky awkward artistic black sheep which automatically makes me the Asian Anomaly (that shall officially be my new nickname). This however, may hold true for most parents who just want stability for their children, a sustainable future without hardships and homelessness. I, too, would want that for my child.

But what about us? What about us who get dumped right out of high school, left to make adult decisions about our future after living through years of people telling us what to read, what to write, what to watch, what to learn, what not to learn, what to say, what to speak, teaching us rituals and habits and morals and values and superimpose their belief system on us. We were basically treated like a tabula rasa made for general filling and come out a carbon copy of the next guy next to us in the yearbook. Our individuality, our sense of originality and creativity stripped away from us, and now we’re supposed to think on our own? Thanks adults, that might take awhile. But no one realizes that, they expect us to be able to produce college essays, to get out of this high school mindset and into this university lifestyle, to transition into this bourgeoning adult life within a few months of being 18. This never ending cycle of produce produce produce will never stop until we die and that scares me. I’ve spent my whole life questioning the system, trying to fight back (unsuccessfully), trying to resist and always trying to forge my own path, and now that I’m finally out - where the fuck do I go? Is there some help center for lost people? Is there a Lost Anonymous where people who can’t seem to find their trajectory in life go to seek help? It’s a metaphysical problem but just because it’s something we can’t see/isn’t staring us in the face and is simply lurking in the background waiting for our demise, doesn’t make it a small/negligible problem whatsoever. It also doesn’t help that I’m extremely sensitive to my surroundings and very aware of what’s going on – I honestly cannot get by one day without asking some weird philosophical question and it bothers yet sustains me because if I stop questioning my limits, then when can these limitations stop. I know people often question where boundaries lie, but I like to question why there are boundaries and the degree of freedom that I am entitled to. Evidently, I have issues with authority and restrictions but this is not the issue at hand.

Thing is, I’m just lost. My friends are all going to university, and when I think about college my mind goes blank. Literally. It’s as though every fibre of my being resists the thought of it and my brain is just like “college.. nope.” Everyone says college isn’t the only way to go about life etc. etc. but lets face it, it probably opens 97% of the doors that are openable. The rest of the 3% is split between pure luck and pure genius, or a mix of both which thus gives you entrepreneurship. But I have the luck of a dying cow and the genius of a clever goldfish, and so college is probably a very good idea to in order to sustain my comfortable and extravagant lifestyle. But I’m so undecided it scares me, and when things scare me, I tend to back away, and when I back away, there’s a tendency that I never go back to it. Which brings into question – do I even want to go to college? When I was just a wee lass (15/16 years old), I was all “oh liberal arts is the shit” and “philosophy major theatre minor” but now that I’m 18 and on the brink of responsibilities and rent and mortgage and taxes and paying my own phone bills, well, that shit is not going to support me unless my parents leave me a thousand million dollars. The idea marrying a rich man is very appealing to me right now. But no, independence, self-empowerment whatever we all strive for that don’t we? I do. And I need something that can bring me out of this dependence phase and I just don’t know what it is. I don’t understand how people can just take such a broad course or a boring course that their parents want them to take (Accounting, Banking, Business Management – LORD FORBID) and just… be happy with it? How do you deal with being in a course that you’re unsure of, spending so much money per year only to be plagued with uncertainty and being unsatisfied working an office job for the rest of your life? I’d kill myself. I can’t settle for ‘broad’ or ‘holistic’ anymore. No, I’ve been in the IB Program for 6 years and that’s as broad and holistic as I’m going to be – as broad and holistic as a cultured prostitute who does anal. I just can’t settle anymore for doing random subjects and still being directionless. It would kill me.

So, help! I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t know where to go from here, I don’t know what to apply for, do I even apply? Is college even necessary? I’ve always wanted to be an actress and I know I’m good at it, but at the same time I want to be a humanitarian and stop human trafficking and help tortured animals and shut down puppy mills. Someone please let me know what to do, I really am at a loss here. If you are facing the same crisis let me know too, we can be morose together over tea and scones.

x Jane

Now that my exams are (finally) over, I can finally devote more time to this dying blog.

I’m going to start this new (I don’t really know what to call it) series called “Help! I…” It’s basically just some weird ramblings or philosophizing on life and stuff. The basis behind this is mainly due to my complete lack of knowledge on where my life is headed, and now that my exams are over, there are so many things that I have yet to do – college applications, work, do I take a gap year, what if I don’t want to go to college, what do I really want to do in life etc. It sucks because I spend so many years in an ‘educational institution’ only to leave with more confounding life-dilemma questions. Basically, this sucks. So I’m starting this new series to firstly, let all these thoughts out, but secondly, I hope I’ll be able to help people on the way too because surely I’m not the only one facing this life crisis. It’s kind of like an aunt agony where I answer my own questions because I’m pathetic and have no friends. It would be nice if you guys contributed though, I’d love to hear your thoughts and opinions and arguments and whatever blobs of words you like to use. I am a blob of fat shit.

So, starting tomorrow (promise), I’ll be doing this new series which will hopefully be a weekly affair. See you guys soon!

x Jane

p.s. my shitty poetry might be on hiatus tbc

There are so many things that I have to say

But the words won’t leave my mouth

I don’t think I’d be able to take it

Please, not today

 

Hold on to faith

And let go of the past

We can’t outrun the ghosts

They come back to haunt us

 

Before I go

Can I let you know:

You never really left me.

(Lights out)

Count the steps back to bed

Collapse

Count the second hand

Controlled breaths

(Lights out)

Your thoughts are loud and the darkness looks back

And laughs because you are alone with him

Finally trapped

and the indecencies are hushed within the rustling

(Lights out)

Memories invade the brain like blades on ice

And you yell out but flip the side of the pillow to ease

The hot tears and the years of strife

Between the sheets

Lies vulnerability

Withered from the frailty of life

It’s painful to go back

Through the relapse and the meds

Through the doctors and the mockers and the people who don’t know that

Talking is the only option out

Because words left me in this pool of doubt

And night-time feelings are the only thing holding me back

 

 

 

Let’s fade to black

stop dreaming because love is just a dream

and it came without warning but left a trail of brokenness

now we’re empty on both sides and not knowing who’s right

and who’s wrong

I can’t tell if it’d get better, or if it’ll fade away

but I know it’ll stay and change form

and we know we can’t run for long.

we are better off apart now

because all i ever did was leave you with scars

and if you should coming running back

I can’t promise open arms and warm hearts

I think it’d be better if you kept your distance

don’t get me wrong

you will forever have a place

in the space you created

something new

and now it’s all up to you to protect you

from me.

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